I’ve been thinking a lot about empathy during these difficult times.

I did not grow up in a home that modeled empathy. There was a lot of good stuff. But there was more judgment than empathy, more “because I said so” than understanding the others’ reality. I have spent much of my adult life working to be more empathetic.

The other day a dog (cute little dachshund mix) was running loose on the street as I was walking Knap. A neighbor was trying to get him to help him home. She was repeating, “I hate these irresponsible people. How could they let their dog be loose? This is disgusting.” I found myself wondering how the dog had gotten out, if his humans (who might even be working) even knew he was not securely at home. I liked my response… but it isn’t always the way I react.

Since the arrival of Covid-19, I have found that, as I have less and less reinforcement from the stuff I love doing (which only partially involves staying at home), my anger level and my reacting from judgement rather than empathy have increased. My needs are not being met and that saps my energy for being the person I want to be. I’m working on it. (Knitting and photography only go far when one is dying to take one’s dog to a herding lesson or agility trial… or just to travel!)

Knowing how we feel/act when our needs are not being met leads me to think about what happens when a dog’s needs are not being met… and I think about my dog specifically. Food, exercise, play, enrichment… yes. But who I am, how I am relating to my world also plays a part in meeting or failing to meet his needs.

He needs a grounded, calm human… his normal human. When I am less than that, he takes it to heart… and I see it in his behavior. Perhaps he can’t settle as he usually does. Perhaps he barks more. Perhaps he constantly brings me a toy for play. If I react to those things without empathy (because my fuse is short), we can start a spiral of each making the other worse. If I look at him with empathy, I see a dog who is doing his best with a human who has changed. (This is not an easy time for any of us… human or dog.)

And here’s the lovely part. When I respond to him from empathy, we both start to heal. We are working together rather than fighting each other. We both breathe more deeply, play with more gusto, train together in ways that help us both grow. Our joy in being with each other, no matter what we are doing or not doing, returns.

And when our relationship is whole, I am better able to be empathetic to others… to ask what their reality might be… to consider what tensions, what pain, what sadness is underlying what they are doing. I thank Knap for reminding me with simple behaviors when I need to stop and reset.